How to Procrastinate by Allie Gregory

Step 1: The first step of procrastination is realizing that it is entirely a mental ability. A skill yes, but one that you master with your mind rather than with your muscles. It is a game, one you play with your self. Because the trick to procrastination is convincing yourself with vehement assurance that you aren't doing anything of the sort. 

Step 2: Recognize what you would like to accomplish (i.e. "I have math homework, a Spanish project, and a test to study for") then drastically skew time expectations (i.e. "That shouldn't take long at all.") Lie to yourself all it takes. Procrastination isn't about honesty, or being a good person; it's about not getting things done. Once you've established that you don't have much to do, and you've convinced yourself you have free time, you now feel open to the possibility of say reading a chapter of a book before you start. (Never read just a chapter. Your chapter ends in a cliffhanger and you must continue -- you have no choice. You'll never be able to focus if you don't. Besides, you have time.)

Step 3: Get out your intended work. This is essential as a complete lack of productivity would awaken you from your denial, and we can't have that. Tell yourself that you are about to work, but what your doing doesn't really require your full concentration. Once you've reached this point, you can finally make use of the true secret weapon of procrastination: Netflix. This step is easy. Turn on a show, preferably one that you're very into, and set it aside as "background while you do your work." Begin examining your work to keep with pretenses, but slowly turn your attention instead to the television show. Flit your eyes back and forth on occasion, being careful to stay completely distracted.

Step 4: Ignore that encroaching feeling of guilt. Eventually how little you've accomplished will begin to come to attention (usually around the third or fourth episode you "didn't mean" to keep watching -- See "How to Binge Watch a Television Show," another proud skill of mine) but you can't let it get to you. You have to bury it deep, avoiding complete awareness of the feeling. Push it from your mind and lock the doors tight behind it. Maybe stop watching Netflix for a short wjhile to make this process easier. 

Step 5: Once you have successfully accomplished step 4, feel free to move on to other distractions. Convince yourself you need a break. You can do anything from returning "briefly" to your book or else maybe taking a shower, a really long one. If you have other projects to attend to, maybe ones that you don't actually have to do or that aren't due for a long time but you'd prefer to work on them, definitely work on them. They are always accompanied with a sense of productivity, empty as it may be when it's not what needs done. Food is also an excellent distraction. Meal time or not, it should be when you need another break. Make it happen.

Step 6: Repeat as necessary. Steps three and five will be very useful here, with an increasing need for step 4 as time progresses. Once you reach this stage, you have accomplished your goal of procrastination, meaning you have accomplished absolutely nothing! I congratulate you on your success.

Note: This process can last as long as you need it to, but you must work at it. Depending on how long you intend to procrastinate, you must time it differently to fit your own individual needs. Also, modify the process to suit your interests. Video games or even artwork can easily be substituted for the reading period and movies or YouTube both work excellently in the place of a show. It is important when procrastinating to do things you enjoy.