Attempt at Satire (Blog Post 13)- Annie Deitz

GUYS
GUYS
GUYS
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT PLEASE READ THIS PLEASE!!!
Okay, so today in Spanish class my friend Athena told me about this video she had seen in physics. Basically, the video discussed how time gets slower as you move through space, meaning the faster you move, the more space you travel through, the slower time becomes, making "time travel" possible-wish. If one were to travel in a space ship around a black hole, for example, a few hours in their time would end up being multiple years in earth time. Naturally curious, the only logical thing to do after this conversation would be to travel in my black hole resistant rocket and mess with the idea of time.

I spent about four hours in the black hole. I'm still not sure the exact proportion of hour to year time standards, but the year seemed to be in the 2030's. Ready to see how our society had evolved and changed over the years, I eagerly popped out of the spaceship. Much to my surprise, the street serving as my landing dock had become eerily deserted. The telltale signs of an apocalypse were all present- trash floating around in the wind, car alarms blaring through the empty neighborhood, damaged cars littering the otherwise desolate boulevard. I wandered to my house, or shall I say old house where my suspicions were confirmed. Not only was this the apocalypse- it was a zombie apocalypse. Nothing says welcome home like your neighbors trying to crack open your skull in order to feast upon your cerebral tissue. I quickly and expertly (not to brag) hotwired a nearby SUV and drove away to safety.

Not long after I arrived at a survivor camp. Frantically looking for a friendly face to fill in the gaps fabricated by my adventure, I finally found Mr. Logsdon frolicking around (forgive my alliteration fetish). After explaining the situation to him, I begged him to tell me what was going on. "Grade pushers," he murmured.

I'll spare you the long conversation and just tell you the important points. "Grade pushers" are the future's slang for those people in school who, instead of having an interest in learning, spend all of their time trying to improve their grades. Not by learning, but by cheating and pushing their teachers to raise their grades for no reason. Like those people who cheat on tests or only write down the equations on their math homework to trick their teacher into thinking that they did it. Or those people who try desperately to raise their grade from and 83% B to a 92% A by acting like their lack of ability to pay attention in class is their Teacher's fault.

While obviously annoying, never before has anyone suggested that these people could lead to the end of the world. A few years after we graduate from high school, studies will show an influx of people dropping out of college and living in their Mother's basement. Why? Because their lack of commitment has caught up with them. Devoid of responsibilities and exposed to dangerous chemicals in junk food, our brains will start to become less of brains and more of vegetables. From here we naturally turn into zombies.

This cheating on schoolwork and lack of commitment in learning needs to stop. The results will be catastrophic. I've seen them. We will all either die or become soulless, violent zombies. Don't do it. Start caring more about your schoolwork- higher grades will come with that. You need to make a choice: care now and survive, or be a "grade pusher" and suffer later.
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Yeah I don't really know what I'm doing here. I promise I tried. I hope you all liked it. I'm serious though, I know I do it all the time, but I don't do it nearly as much as other people. Like that one time. When everyone failed that test Mr. Wise gave us. Over the Java. And an extra credit book report was due the next day. And I was one of the few people who started it with an adequate amount of time. And some of you scored higher than I did. I'm not at all bitter, though. Have a nice evening everyone.